Disagree with Kindness? Can you really?

Leave a reply

We can’t all agree. We shouldn’t all agree. We often learn most from those who think differently from us. If we all agreed, well it would be a funny old world of clone-like people all doing the same. It is our imperfections and different views that make us human and I would like to think interesting.

Yet disagreement can be divisive. Even when people are not so far apart in their actually thinking. Sometimes people like to agree, yet disagree a little bit. “Yes, but…” in a kind of yes I agree however I need to refine your idea before I can agree. This is fine if you can disagree with kindness and compassion.

What often intrigues me is the hate that often comes from disagreement or on the flip-side the need to try and force the other party to agree by means of persuasion, coercion, aggression or other equally dubious means. Now don’t get me wrong, I love a good debate as much as the next person. My father used to my favourite sparring partner growing up and even well after I left the family home our debates were epic.

However we learnt from each other and even when we didn’t agree we closed the argument with “I love and respect you, I see some of your points however I can’t fully agree”. I learnt to not mind disagreeing. I am not concerned if not everyone agrees. Often when someone brings an opposite view my google or now co-pilot typing and searching increases ten-fold as I try to understand what could be true or interesting in that opposite view. Or maybe the reflection comes the next day or a few days later as I digest and process why the other person’s view was actually very valid. Or why it was just a different perception of the same thing.

However some days I find it harder. Someone presses my buttons and the frustration rises or I feel the need to be right. So maybe my reflection is how can we keep that childlike curiosity alive, whether can I do that more so I that can really be better and kinder and try to disagree amicably and not with hostility or just not mind. Maybe the best people to keep me in check are my friends, who tell me when I am not living that principle or just occasionally tell me to shut up when really needed! Or maybe I just need to shut up and listen more!!!

The invisible boss?

Leave a reply

There is a funny sketch set which in an office where the boss is deluded. (Stay with me!) They think that they are invisible and cause disruption by pretending bags are floating, trip people up, move things such as tables and chairs and are just generally annoying. They then reappear and act completely normal. No-one says anything because they are the boss. They just suck up what is a truly ridiculous situation. The sketch is beautifully executed and very funny.

However watching it triggers 2 questions, how much of a boss being present (visible) is useful? and how much do bosses not receive the feedback that is needed? How many people are sitting with frustration in this moment, because they don’t feel they can voice that what the boss is doing is not serving their team? How much could the boss benefit from truly hearing what their team is thinking and feeling?

How much is a visible vs invisible boss helpful? The boss that is visible but over-intrusive, micro-managing & glory-seeking can be a negative influence, while a visible boss who is approachable, supportive and shining the light on their teams can help folks reach their potential and be recognised. Conversely an invisible boss who is not present, not engaged nor bothered can be soul-destroying, while an invisible boss who is just giving autonomy and space to a team is giving them the space to learn and maybe fly onto better things. Again, how to find the right level of visibility based on what the team needs at that moment is somewhat of an art form.

It made me wonder about my own experiences and actions? How many times have occurred when folks have not dared to say something? The answer is inevitably,some. It would be unrealistic to think otherwise. How many times have I got the balance of invisible vs visible out of sync?. Definitely some reflection for the days ahead!..

Structure is over-rated! Or is it?

Leave a reply

This was a comment someone made this week,”You know, structure is just really over-rated”. It intrigued me and amused me at the same time. It was said in a context when things are being changed daily and believe me, some small amount of structure and consistency would be very helpful as the general consensus is folks are really quite lost!

In large companies the working principle is usually that some structure helps to ensure that you are going in the same direction and people know what they are working towards. Some element of framework helps define the objectives to achieve and the way the company would like to do that, including what values and behaviours are encouraged/acceptable, what policies to adhere to.

In Supply Chains some planning is essential, network design and other elements help optimise and save time. Using structured lean approaches and tools helps to remove efficiencies, encourages learning and empowers teams.

While the above it is true, there also needs to be place for innovation, creativity and agility. If we don’t give space to this, we keep doing things in the way we always did and we don’t empower our team or give space to new ideas and suggestions for improvement.

So the thought is turning around in my mind, where is the balance? Is the story we tell ourselves on this topic only perception? Are we conforming too much to a pre-defined way of thinking? What is the need of all the stakeholders in this picture?

If we work back from the actual essence of what we are trying to do, then we can decide where a framework or compliance system is actually needed, perhaps to safeguard against risk or discrimation, and then where do we say “you know what, here you have freedom to operate” because the “how” doesn’t actually matter, its the outcome. Clearly regulatory matters are a line not to be crossed!!

It still begs the question, how fluid is this and are the frameworks fit for purpose? There is an argument that if the rule makes no sense in the first place, just applying it will be frustrating and not achieve the intention which made the rule initially exist.

So maybe it is less about structure and more about culture. How do we give space to open dialogue about what we are trying to achieve and give space to ideas and continuous improvement? How to embrace that policies and guidelines do need constant review and sense checks? How to have the right level of input from stakeholders to build co-creation?.. And so on…and so on..

Why am I bothered?

Leave a reply

The moment at work when someone says “Don’t let it bother you”, “It’s just not worth it”. It is such a funny thing to say when thresholds and band-width are so variable and personal.

I often wonder what the threshold should be and how it is defined. Who says it’s not worth it? Why do some things get under my skin, while other things don’t even register on my “being bothered” radar? It’s such an unconscious reflex. The things that make me smile when there is a perceived act of kindness or a small unexpected gesture, the things that make me fume unintentionally.

And it is so curious just how moment-based and individual it is. Something that is in the “bothered” category one day may well slip through on another or when a friend says, “did you see what that person just did?” erm..nope why?. so they notice something that bothers them, however I don’t and yet our line of vision is the same.

So it leads me to pondering just how much we distort and filter every day. How much am I missing that perhaps I should be bothered by? How much am I wasting energy on being irritated by things that come through my filter when they are not really needed?

So this week’s reflection will be around more consciously being aware of mine and other folks’ “botheredness” !!

Who is the we? Who is the they?

Words matter, how we frame things is how we interpret the world.

The “we” is usually who we consider our community, our friends, the people like us. Our friends, our colleagues, our views, our neighbourhood, our business, our team,…

When we articulate the “they”, they become the other. They become potentially opposition or strangers. They are framed in a different light. They did this, they didn’t do this, they did that, they didn’t do that, they think that … The basic rules of the playground are then brought into the equation. The other is not included in the our and by definition they are distanced from us just by the very word they.

So it triggered some reflection. Are they really they? What happens when we try and empathise instead of judge? Where and why do these boundaries get set? How flexible and fluid is the we and they? If/when we meet challenges, how can reframing the they help us think more objectively about the problem??…

Pick up the damn phone or not??

The other day I was talking to a colleague who has just begun their career about how when I began to work there was no email and personal mobile phones were just beginning. They looked at me in utter disbelief and said ..”but how did you communicate then?” While feeling like a dinosaur, I replied that although it seems unbelievable, we picked up a phone & called someone! “Wow they said, proper old school”. I chuckled about being “old school” for a while afterwards.

I watched later that day as this colleague endeavoured to painstakingly explain an issue, first by email and then they proceeded to use instant messaging to badger the person! I was like this poor soul, if this messaging ping-pong continues they will be there until midnight explaining this stuff, it’s never going to end, even worse the poor soul on the other end must be losing their mind by now.

I had been resisting the temptation to interfere, however at some point I referred to our earlier conversation and said, “you know what.. maybe going old school is ok sometimes, why don’t you pick up the phone? Maybe just having a chat human to human could help?”

A short conversation with some empathy and mutual listening later and there was no more issue. When I asked why they had not picked up the phone earlier… the response amused me… “well, you know, I just didn’t want to bother them!!”

Funny how we perceive calling someone as being intrusive, yet sending multiple written communications is ok?

I continued to wonder for the rest of the day about this and question whether I was doing the same these days. Case in point, this blog!! Maybe time to have a word with myself rather than wondering about other folks…just off to call an old friend now instead of messaging them!

Post Note : I felt the need to add an additional point here after a great friend highlighted how phone interactions, especially unexpected ones can be challenging or uncomfortable for them, perhaps due to social anxiety, introversion or a feeling of intrusion. It made me start to reflect how it can be less intrusive and more useful/thoughtful for folks in that situation….and how just how different we all are..

Inspirational vs Overbearing?

We have all been there. That person who is overbearingly present in meetings and online. It creates a level of fatigue. A feeling of “oh no, not them again!” However I am curious how they live through this experience? Do they truly see themselves as inspiring me and others? The truth is I think they think they do. I don’t think they are trying to be annoying, I am convinced they are trying to be heard, trying to be visible, trying to be.. and maybe therein lies the why.

They are just trying so damn hard ! But do inspirational leaders need to try this hard? Is charisma something to be learnt or copied or a natural quality? What is it that makes me want to listen to some people for hours and it triggers my curiosity and open mind vs being turned off as soon as someone posts or starts to speak? Maybe it’s very personal however I know as soon as there is an Ego involved this will trigger me. If the person tries creating a vision that is not about them…. well, that’s a good start. Remove the self-selling, self-centred part and be genuinely curious about the world and others but there is more than just that. Definitely worth some further reflection… I will be observing and taking notes in the coming weeks for sure!